Well, EA finally choked and removed the Taliban name from the multiplayer portion of Medal of Honor. With this in mind, why not go the whole hog and replace the enemies in the single-player game for something entirely controversy free? Sort of like…
5. Mecha Hitler and the Nazis
If any of you have played the epoch defining, interactive World War II documentary Wolfenstein 3D, you’ll know that Hitler did not, in fact, kill himself in that bunker, or take an extended vacation to South America, no matter what Gregory Peck might say to the contrary.
Nope, he in fact retreated to his lovely castle and did what any leader of a gigantic Reich would do: he outfitted himself in power armour and got down to business.
So why not replace all the enemies with Nazis and round it off with Mecha Hitler? EA has plenty of experience in doing this already, and, because Nazis are from the past and all that, no one will get worried about it, so they won’t have to issue a witheringly poor excuse for taking them out. Bonus.
4. Rambo from Rambo III
Many of you wouldn’t have been born when Rambo III came out, long ago in a time called ’1988′
And you can think yourself lucky, son
But here’s a recap: shoulder pads were in, Sylvester Stallone had a hairstyle that looked like a sweater made of dog and, most incredulously, Steven Seagal wasn’t fat. We know.
But, in this mystical time, Rambo III showed a different portrayal of the world, a world where Rambo fought alongside the Mujihadeen armies in Afghanistan that we now oppose.
So, in a turn of events too awesomely mind-boggling for neo-conservatives to get their heads around, why not have America essentially fighting America, and Rambo, in Medal of Honor? Think of it: America, at war with Rambo, itself, a character originally shunned by America in the first movie for being a Vietnam vet before Hollywood ruined him by making him a talking propaganda action figure. Take that, Hideo Kojima.
Sadly, the player would never be able to win the game, as Rambo would kill your entire country. On horseback. With nothing but a bow and arrow. Skill.
3. Half-Life: Opposing Force
Obvious joke is obvious. We apologise.
2. The Galactic Empire
The perfect space-faring allegory for imperial expansionism finally comes home to earth. It might seem silly now, but would fighting Darth Vader in the hills of Afghanistan really be any more outrageous than reading the script of Star Wars Episode I and thinking: ‘yeah, that totally works’?
Sorry, we know that still hurts
Seriously, imagine the dialogue. “We got two Jawa’s at our nine, that guy from Bridge on the River Kwai at our twelve and two gay robots on our six. Oorah”.
It’s an easy swap. Super Mario Galaxy probably contains more legitmiate exploration of the themes of war than Medal of Honor will ever do, and it’s about a plumber rescuing a princess from a bloody croco-turtle that speaks English.
Think about it: Bowser lives in a colourful, far away land that no one seems to know anything about, where he rules over his followers with an iron fist. Sadly for our lovable despot however, his plans to keep a weird European interloper from smashing his land to bits is always getting thwarted by a man wrapped in the traditional colours of red, white and blue. Need we say more?